Ivory Rose

Ivory RoseNever in my life did I think I'd be this excited about a fake flower, yet here I am, practically doing cartwheels over a ceramic rose that's about as alive as my childhood dreams of becoming a professional juggler. This ivory beauty, no bigger than a squirrel's existential crisis, arrived in a gift box so fancy I briefly considered moving into it and subletting my apartment. As I lifted this June birth month flower from its posh packaging, I couldn't

using its convenient keyhole (because apparently even fake flowers need an escape route)

I imagine it's silently approving of how we've managed to make what to hang in a kitchen seem like a philosophical decision rather than an attempt to cover mysterious marks left by previous tenants

" I wasn't sure if she meant "subtle" or "looks like it was dipped in every shade of brown paint at Home Depot

When my mother decided to redecorate our living room

clearly struggling to find a polite adjective

my bare walls seemed less like a blank canvas and more like a barren wasteland crying out for the touch of this tiled temptress

It's all the wonder of marine life without the need for scuba gear or fish food

My sister once collected rubber ducks dressed as historical figures

This lotus

with all the gravitas of a sommelier describing a fine wine

As you gaze upon this wall-mounted wonder

" I wasn't sure if she meant "add some drama" or "make your wall look like it's been invaded by militant origami